pondering thoughts

               I want you to know that my intentions are clean and in writing this I only want you to know something, but I don’t want it to affect what we have nor force something out of it because that wouldn’t be natural, that would be wrong…

                I want you to know that I miss you so badly… From the moment we hooked up and talked until now, I can’t get you off my mind… I seem to crack a smile whenever I thought you… I’m thinking of you always even when I sleep to waking up each day and especially in my solitude… Tried hard not to think about it but I don’t know why I long for you this intensely… I don’t want you to be scared… I don’t want you to go… I don’t want to spoil what we have right now… Though that may happen, then I guess well see about that… I just want to voice it out because I can’t contain what I feel inside… I know this isn’t a good idea… I’m so mortified of what you might think after reading this… but I’m prepared to take the fall… I just want to know what seems to be bothering you… I know you are busy…but did you change your mind? Was it a good decision to seize the moment? Is it really a mutual thing? Because I want you to know that my image of you didn’t change not one bit, but only blossomed… There are several times I wanted to say “I’m falling for you” and that “I love you and everything about you” but opted not to… I know this isn’t just an infatuation… I’m just afraid it wouldn’t make any sense for we just met… we even agreed not to hasten things up and rush into the waters without even knowing how deep nor complicated it would be… still it haunts me… Will I be just a bump in the road, which for a moment caused you to take a sudden stop? But then looked away, paced yourself, and continued on your journey to that hill up ahead… in eagerness of you finding paradise… but don’t you know you’re my paradise… I admit I was hesitant at first, but I felt something about you that opened up mind… Love is indeed sweet! But am I too obvious? Didn’t you noticed at all that I can’t even look you straight in the eye… you seem to see through me… your stares leaves me completely weak… you’re just perfect both in and out… and If you permit me I want to keep you but I don’t know if you really want me at all… I just want to wake up feeling so good knowing we have a shot of this… I was not looking for something temporary I was looking for something that would last… I’m so insecure right now and I know it’s not because of drinking too much coffee… just needing your assurance… Truth may hurt and leave deep gashes, which time may mend though won’t really heal, but it’s better than constantly clinging to that dream that may never happen at all… I’m maybe taking this a bit seriously so I’m terribly sorry…

               I’m just a simple guy… what more can I say? I don’t have much in life nor something that I can be proud of… I maybe too plain for you… I won’t compete to reach your ideals and expectations because I may never suffice that, but I want to love you nonetheless… I remembered when you said to let love come to you and not the other way around… and that the right person will come, just wait… but how would we know? If I pray for a sign, how will I know that that’s the sign? But I presume you would know… All we have is now, don’t you think there’s a possibility for us? I leave that to you… I guess all I want to say is that I’m so thankful and happy to finally meet you and hold you in my arms… You have been my life support… The sweetest person I know… That I’m willing to take the risk… I want you to know that YOU’RE THE ONLY LOVE SONG I WANT TO LISTEN TO OVER AND OVER AGAIN and won’t even dare mind it at all… I need you… I’m so in love with you please believe me… I have been taught not to ask something in return so yes, I ‘m that… I won’t ask for your love if you feel I should not have it… nor ask you to stay if you can’t… I won’t hold you back… or hold any feelings of bitterness, I can’t do that… especially to you my new found inspiration…

So it has finally come to this point… I can never know you now… You’re gone… memories of you I hold so dear… vivid and full of life, I won’t let them fade away… I promise… in my thoughts and in my heart, know that you’re there… I long for even just day with you… Then I would spent it with you like it’s the last day I have on earth… we’ll go to every place you would want to… buy what we want… eat what we want… we’ll do what we always wanted to do… all in our heart’s content… I would even paint you’re nails if you want to… though very superficial, I’ll do it so that in the end of the day when everything will go back to it’s normal state, I would have not just tiny pieces of memories, but a whole day to be reminisced over and over again… You left me with a big chunk of me missing… a part of me which can only be complete when you come back… I do hope we would see each other again… When? Where? How? I don’t know… Yes all this sorrow does put me down and broken but that’s not an excuse not to live you life… I’ll stand up, dust myself off, look up and smile to a future filled with exciting uncertainties… I won’t forget you…

Something happened… I feel it in my guts… overheard something that concerns you and a handful of others… I’m not sure as to what the details are but I’m certain that I won’t see you anymore, maybe in a long time or worst, never… This morning proves to be the hardest… I just keep on listening to that song (Do I Ever Cross Your Mind by First Circle) as if it’ll help elevate my current situation… Now I’m only weary that I may never know you at all… Will the questions that run through my head remain unanswered? My mood is equally sympathetic to that of today’s weather, dark and gloomy and overly sad… Even when the sun may appear and clouds will clear away I know there’s still a little rain cloud hovering over me wherever I go… I know what you all are saying that I’m stupid and a natural born loser… Maybe this was meant to be, but I pray this isn’t so because it could only mean that I lose, no more first or second place for that matter… Why must this happen? Am I doomed and never have you? And if it’s really destiny that I won’t know you then I want to know why… Why now? Why never? I’m losing hope and morale and that’s a bad thing… I may appear all jolly and always put up a happy face but you know that’s all for show… This is pure torture! I don’t want to endure every pain-staking inch of it… But in every struggle there lies a shed of light, I’m still waiting and hoping that you and I will be together… Don’t know when or how though guess all I can do now is stick it up and wait endlessly for you… Now I wonder, do you think of me to this extent? Probably not huh? I’m missing you… I’m missing a stranger who stole my heart… I so want it to be a mutual thing but I guess I can’t force it to be like that if it’s the way it should be…

I can’t believe this song! It’s absolutely and 100% in-sync with what I feel! Talk about taking the words straight out of my mouth?! This is my favorite song for now, DO I EVER CROSS YOUR MIND by FIRST CIRCLE (Thank you for making this great song!). I wish my inspiration could listen to this so that my doubts would be erased and those questions be finally answered…

I’m not sure of the Lyrics though, I just jot it down while listening to it… Sitting here alone / Just after midnight / Sleep doesn’t come easy lately / Something in me just doesn’t feel right / Dying inside is what it feels like / I wake to another lonely day / It’s just another day of wondering / Have I ever crossed your mind? / Do you think of being next to me? / Don’t you long for me like the way I do? / Even just for a moment? / Do I ever cross your mind? / Sometimes I wonder Is this love’s worth the wait? / I know you’ll be here / I hope it’s not too late / But until then / Until our love break away / There’s one question in my mind / Do I cross you mind like you do mine? / Do you think of me? / Will I ever know? / Have I ever crossed your mind? / Do you think of being next to me? / Don’t you long for me like the way I do? / Even just for a moment? / Do I ever cross your mind? / Have I ever crossed your mind? / Do you think of being next to me? / Don’t you long for me like the way I do? / Even just for a moment? / Do I ever cross your mind?

I was afraid that I wouldn’t see you today… I kept on looking for you this morning… my eyes wondered and wondered in search on the one inspiration I look forward to each day… Will I ever see you today? Hours and minutes pasts but still no you? Where could you be? I worry that you might be sick or something had happened to you.. I need to see you now because even in that I take comfort… The endless waiting not to mention the curiosity and mystery is nerve-racking… Torturing and tormenting my weak soul into nothingness… I feel as though the walls are closing in and there’s no way out… I’m just a worthless coward who can’t even walk up to you, open my mouth and spark up a conversation… A friend of mine told me that hey I’m really falling in love as advices keeps on pouring down… Yes I’m in love but to whom? I don’t even know your name… I think I know what to do but really it’s easier said than done… I’m pathetic and I hate being one… still here waiting for you.. Where could you be right now? Thoughts linger on my mind… I just can’t stop thinking about you! Nor the way you look, your killer smile and enticing eyes… I need to see you now! Then suddenly, as if God heard my plea, there you were! My heart jumped for joy as I can’t stop but look at you… You are so beautiful… You captivate me! I smiled hoping that you would too… and at last you responded with a smile… I hope that was for me and not to your friends standing next to you…when will this madness ever end? I feel so hopeless not knowing you… I hate being kept in the dark for knowing is everything… On the other hand though, if ever I’ll know you as you will also know me…and if I find out that you’re not free and that there’s someone occupying that special place in your heart, then I would rather settle for this fantasy I have with you than a cruel reality for which I can never have you… I’M NOT SELFISH, I’M JUST IN LOVE! This is not normal to me and I know this isn’t the first time either… but why does it feel different and new? Ahhh I’m attracted to you! As I go by my usual tasks, minding my own business, an unexpected thing happened. It was perfect timing, I turned and there you were in front… a bit of shock in our faces we looked at each other for 2 seconds then shy back and look to the opposite direction…we blushed…we were like a arms reach the closest encounter so far… from there I didn’t opted to finish what I was doing… I just steal glances and watch you go about your routine errands…till I saw you after using your cell phone, txting seriously not even bothering to blink for a second or two… I wonder who you were txting… jealousy and envious thoughts seeps in… Could it be your special someone? My heart is aching… It hurts…. I know I’m not sure and it could be anyone right? But still it bothered me from there to the time I went home and until now…